A Dream Recycled

I just threw out 10 lbs. of dead tree, two books on GRE prep. It took me a long time to do so as I am expert at fooling myself about things I think I am going to do. The reality is that going for a Phd would have been a bad idea. All around. It’s something I should have wasted my time pursuing years ago. I don't have time now to do something just to reflect on what a mistake it was. Also, I was wait-listed at a subpar school with a lot of other minorities- a sure sign that the sheepskin is devalued. Sorry, but yes. 

Getting a worthless doctorate goes on the “missed the boat on that one” list with things like getting a yeast infection from a foam party to Ibiza, learning to do mountain sports, and liking my 4c hair. Way aside--why hasn’t anyone said it should be called c4 because it looks like a bomb went off? Too soon? 

It is hard to make plans in midlife. Previous plans were predicated upon relative youth and financial freedom. They included rewards that now lack meaning. I can consume overpriced mediocre food and drink at home. I guess I can look at the places I longed to go on the internet and discover that they ain’t, in the language of the rue, shit. There’s American fast food swill available on every corner everywhere and no chance of discovery. Oh look! Pose! It’s all been Instagrammed a million times over. The stuff I wanted to see is gone now and in it’s place a W hotel just like the W hotel they only let me into in Miami because I was with two leggy anorexics. The grenade is with us, let her pass. It should have been humiliating. Nice try. Also I am too old to ignore the racism. It’s never fun to give over hard earned cash and few-weeks vacation time to bigots. I think that is why for so many years the only place I knew about our people going to was Jamaica. Turns out were not really a fan favorite. 

But I enjoy learning so it seemed like a good idea. And thinking is my only skill. I did a stint in teaching followed by two more stints because it was the only job for which I could get hired. I probably could have cleaned houses or watched white kids, which is close to teaching if you're in the right setting. It’s not that hard to get a low-paying, low-prestige job working with a demographic that academia is loathe to properly educate. Stick ‘em all together, over there. You can hardly place blame, the situation was ripe for exploitation. A population with the ability to take out unlimited loans that can never be discharged and part-timer hoping to get a foothold on nothing. 

I used to go to a lot of sample sales. It seemed like I was somehow saving money buying really fabulous things to sit in my closet. I can’t bring myself to throw some of the crap out. There’s always the threat of future need. You never know a black envelope clad invitation might come hand delivered through the mail slot from a time machine in an alternate universe. It could happen, like that Phd.