# old black woman in Iceland
People keep asking me why I moved to Iceland. The short answer is to learn the language and the program is tuition-free. Before the pandemic the plan was to move to Tromsø in Norway but they levied a tuition right before I applied so I kept searching and I found a program at Háskóli Íslands. Free education? Yes, please. The long answer is very long... I had not thought about it that much until last week's spurningatìma (question time) for my online self-study class. The instructor told us to consider why we are learning this language to find motivation. Here is the start of my consideration.
We came to Iceland in 2011 on an Iceland Air package tour back when the country was trying to get people to consider it as more than a place to have a hot springs layover. I had always wanted to go to the Arctic. I am one of those people who watches documentaries about the poles and is moved to tears at the thought of experiencing such a pristine landscape. I don't prefer people. I like the cold. I enjoy the quiet. Solitude suits me just fine. So far I am an adventurer in spirit only. I watch the climbing and hiking and wilderness survival shows with complete disregard for the climbers, the hikers, and the worst of the worst -- the reality show survivalists. They are taking up valuable space where even more arctic imagery could be. They are disturbing the goings on of the Taiga. They are molesting the hunting grounds of the Arctic fox. They are literally eating the greatest scenery on earth. I am happy when they tap out. There is not a documentary on Everest that I have not seen, yet I don't think I could name a single climber or sherpa. I think one of them was named after a day of week. I am only there to get a glimpse of the cold barren landscapes.
I also suffer from depression. It has so far been my sole constant companion. It has stood in the way of every accomplishment and generally makes daily life a chore. I somehow got it into my head that the cure was travel or at least getting as far as possible away from where I am originally from. There was some truth to it. I read recently that it is impossible to heal in the location in which one has been traumatized and for me and my people that place would be the United States of America. Some small part of me has always known this and so I worked hard not to development any attachments to the country, its culture, its short yet brutal history having to remind myself often that nationality like race is a mirage that doesn't serve me well. An unintended consequence of this was a lack of interest in what is broadly pigeon-holed as Black Culture. Growing up I wasn't even sure what our culture was outside of the church (miss me with that, I don't believe in the supernatural) and popular black culture. We were taught very little in school about Black America and even less outside. We were told that we should be proud of who were were and proud of our history without being given a clue about either. Our black role models were long gone Civil War era folk whose struggles we struggled to identify with. Even MLK was just a historical figure. I didn't even know what great things my grandparents might have done. Most of our parents who lived through the Civil Rights era would not even discuss a single protest. No one talked about their childhoods. It was hell to find out what happened in town last weekend. Let's just say there was a lot of distance. And that distance has always made it easier for me to feel completely unburdened by any sort of mandate to walk a certain path. All that to say, if I was able to get out, I didn't feel that I would be leaving much behind nor did I think anyone would miss my non-contributions. I am not a joiner. I don't like groups. I looked forward to walking a lonely road. Also, and this cannot be overstated- America actively hates Black women. Not sure why I should stick around for that. I am not an activist and I don't want to spend my life trying to prove my worth to people I don't value just so I can hopefully some day live freely in the hellscape they have created. Pass.
Also this>>>It is hard to be force-fed a narrative that celebrates movement to opportunity and emigration for a better life without eventually wanting to try it out.
So back to Iceland. Our trip was a part of a tour package that included airfare, lodging, a few meals and a Golden Circle excursion. The Golden Circle route is a popular bus tour that can be done in one day from Reykjavik and is a sort of "all the hits" sightseeing situation. You get on the bus, not too early because thankfully nothing seems to happen very early here, and you are first taken to Þingvellir National Park to see the site of the ancient parliament...and a waterfall. Then you see Geysir, which is exactly what it says it is. And lastly you see some more waterfalls and maybe a volcanic crater or three. That was the plan. On our tour we saw snow blowing in all directs. I didn't know it could snow up. The conditions were described as "white out". The approach at Þingvellir was so dangerous that we were told that we could inch along at our own risk. There was a rope to hold on to find your way to and from the bus and to stop you from being blown over the edge. The same rope was also there to stop you from walking over the edge and slipping down into the falls that we could not see but could feel and hear. I had very little confidence in this rope, but I took my chances anyway figuring "hey, my life hasn't been so great this far, whatevs..." I saw nothing and the pictures look like close ups of a crumpled sheet of copy paper. The experience was invigorating. The Geyser was less exciting, but still cool. The next stop was scuttled because of the weather but on the way to an alternative destination, a large banana growing operation powered by geothermal energy, the tour bus stopped to point out a car that had been trapped in the snow. The tour guide told us that we would not be stopping to help them for several reasons: Stopping in this weather would risk the bus also getting stuck. It is illegal to take a rental up into this area unless it is a 4X4 and the stuck car was certainly not. Icelanders believe in self-rescue so it would be wrong to stop and help them. Also, we were on a schedule and those tourists knew or should have known better. I thought- this is a place I could live.