Goal Posts

Last night the Northern Lights forecast claimed that the lights would be at a 7, very active. This seems to bring solo females out to the beach near the dorms where the view is free from light pollution, which is extremely annoying when there is something in the skies that you want to see. 

++++ 72 hours pass.

Apparently it is so annoying that after writing the above paragraph I booked a Northern Lights tour with a local company for the next night. A so-called super jeep, picked a bunch of us up in front of the Alþingi (Parliament) and took us out of the city and somewhat off-road to a place devoid of light. Well, we could still see the aggressive beam of light Peace Tower in the background but it did not obscure the view of what we came to see. There were about 10 people on the tour, the super jeep was not at full capacity. I think the majority of them were couples. It seems that most people who come here on vacation are making their way through their bucket lists with a partner. There might have been one other solo light seeker besides me. Although they all seemed very nice, I was thankful that they did not try to interact with me much because I was not in the mood and after 2 months of being here alone I am out of practice with North American small talk.

The guide explained to us the manner in which the professionals track the lights and their method certainly delivered. After a few minutes at our first stop the lights appeared faint above the horizon of mountains. A little green, some movement, everyone was happy. Then they really kicked off. The guide had professional equipment to take what people cynically refer to as "the obligatory shots" of each person standing in the snow with the lights high above them.  But they were so bright that we could take decent photos of just the lights with our phones. I am that cynic and I was surprised to feel joy at my companions taking some very fun and occasionally silly photos with the lights. A few people posed so it looked like the light were emanating from their heads, hands or mouths. There was as least one engagement announcement-worthy shot and a few "man, we have been together for a while" poses. I opted for a basic pose-hands in pockets, hood up, glasses on, slight smile, 10 degree head tilt. Towards a comely aesthetic. These pictures are for others. I like mine devoid of humans. I know I was there and I didn't see myself. And I wish I hadn't seen any others folks there either, stinking up the landscape shots.

I am self conscious about how I look in pictures and generally hate being photographed. As a child I was always having my picture taken by my mom, who I think was just trying to have any evidence that she was doing her job. I was an asshole and didn't want her to have what I thought were celluloid and insta-matic lies so I resisted. She was insistent that I smile--like full drag queen smile. Rows of teeth, cheeks up to the eyes, ecstatic. I was forced to go to Barbizon to become confident. So you can guess how that turned out. I didn't gain the promised confidence, but I did learn how to get one over of people. I learned how to be photogenic enough for others so that it's over fast. That's the real modeling, showing people what they want so you get what you want.

We were out there in the snow for a few hours. It was cold but we failed to realize it because we were mesmerized by the lights. My special gloves with the touchscreen tips were f-ing up my ability to use my touch screen so I took one of them off. Within minutes I could not feel my hand. I put my glove back on but it was still ice cold. I put on mittens-no dice. I went into the van, ahem, super jeep to warm up. It took some time and I could for the first time understand how people freeze to death on their arctic jaunts. It's the same reason people fall off cliffs, get swept away by rivers, succumb to invisible volcanic fumes, get trapped in caves, blow off mountain tops... These places call to you and you forget about your fragility. It's the bad side of being in the fucking moment.

I wrote out the plot of a short story years ago about a woman who decides to join an Everest expedition to commit murder/suicide. There should be a portmanteau for that. Murdercide doesn't work for the obvious reasons.  It might even be the opposite. In any case, she joins this expedition with a bunch of tech bros who founded a company that she feels is responsible for the death of her only son. She has a daughter...but her only son etc. The night before the summit while they are all sitting around having been made comfortable by their army of sherpas and the myriad accoutrements-soon-to-be-refuse of modern alpinism they are are discussing their reasons for climbing. She refuses to tell them claiming that she is superstitious and wants to save it for the summit. Spoiler alert, she's going empty the oxygen tanks and cut the ropes behind her as she will naturally be going up last. I was thinking about having her regret the suicide part as she is freezing to death. 

I have always romanticized freezing as a method of dying. They say you experience euphoria. Maybe at the end. But in the lead up... I could not even deal with slight numbness in my hand is all I am saying. Still I think it's not the worst story idea. I'll have to make some of the tech bros sympathetic, which will take some doing. And the woman, too. Unlike a lot of things I try to write, this main character isn't me...at all. I would never have even one kid and I would never try to summit Everest. After watching every movie and documentary on Everest and even reading a few books, I think we should let the mountain be. Maybe the woman is the mountain. Yes, sure, go with that. Make it a play, I could get away with that in a one act in some off off Broadway theatre.